Hangover without the benefits.

I feel like shit today. I must have overdosed on sugar. How lame is that? I had a headache all day, and almost collapsed after riding a bike for ten minutes. The last few days (weeks?), being cheap, I've been eating whatever is around so that i don't have to spend any money. Vero brings home donut holes and soft chocolate chip cookies and danishes and.... It's just so easy to snack on those, then I'm not hungry, and I don't have the urge to spend money on food. Well, it backfired. Totally hungover all day. I can't even look at sweets.

A nice big burrito, stuffed with tons of grilled vegiges and spinach, plus some beans, helped quite a bit. I feel better now. Back to the sugar free detox I tried last month. Lets see if I can get it to last more than a week this time. Having a job might help eating healthy, steady source of income, and all. Might have to look into that. ^_^;

Existential quandaries.

My male need to know my purpose is taking over again. I need direction, I'm just drifting.

I was told that if I need direction, just fucking pick one, and then do it. Not worry about the global scheme of things.

Speaking of which (as I ignore the above advice), what really matters? Is it important to leave a mark on the world? Does every action we take do that already? I don't think so. It doesn't matter that I get up in the morning, take the bus to school, come home and do nothing. I have to do something bigger. You know, something that matters. It's all bullshit. I don't know what's important. Nothing is. Are friends important? Sure, to a degree. Will I die happy knowing that, if nothing else, I had my friends. I don't know. How about family? Probably the same.

I was told to live in the moment. I might just have to do that some more. It seemed to work. Do what I have to do now. So, I think I'll go do that, and stop pestering my friends and myself about this shit.

There are so many better thing I could be doing instead of this. So consider yourself lucky ^_^

For those of you just tuning in, lets do a brief recap.

I was born in a hospital in Kowary, Poland on December 14, 1981. A day after martial law was declared, and the Russian military took over the government. As far as I know. I didn't look into this much. My father beat my mother to the registrar office, so I have his last name. He left two years later. I don't really remember the details. Raised away from the media and popular culture, in a tiny town near the border of Germany and Czechoslovakia. Climbed rocks in the forest as a hobby.

A little while later I was told that we are moving to America. Whee.

Came to Utah. Went to a public high school. Was a nerd. Had no friends. Mid-senior year someone thought I was enough of an outcast to invite me to her birthday party. Met some people who didn't mind me hanging out with them. Yay, I belonged. Life was peachy.

High school ended. Had no friends again (Maybe they weren't really friends, huh?). Ended up not leaving the house for days on end, sitting alone in my room, listening to NIN, nerding on the computer, watching Married With Children and the joys of daytime broadcast television. FUN, no?

After I got over being depressed, I started going out with a girl I went out with in high school, moved in with her, got a slacker job, started school with no aim (and stopped and started and...). That's more like a proper life, no?

After realizing that I need more from life I packed everything I had in a box, and moved to Santa Barbara, the land of umm... not Utah. Stayed at a friends house, enrolled in some classes I'm really interested in, decided to take time off from relationships to work on my own shit.

Which brings us up to speed.

So, i'm currently unemplyed, living at someone else's house, going to a junior college, and alone. COOL, no?