Regarding father.

Figuring some things regarding my father. I don't know how to feel about him. I have a childish anger towards him for not being there when I was growing up... for not being a dad. I know that he couldn't live with my mom, and that he probably had good reasons for leaving, but I don't want to know that. I doesn't make me feel better about him not being there. I'm still angry.
But I also long for him. I want him to approve of me. To say that I'm doing a good job, or to guide me through some things. And I don't know if I gravitate towards visual art and music because he is a painter and was a musician, and I want to be like him or him approve what I do, or is it genetic, or is it really my decision?
And I'm not making it any easier for him. I don't reply to his annual christmas/birthday letters, where the entire letter is him making excuses for not doing more.
I'm just starting to open up these feelings... I don't know what I want of him.

Big Bro

JaS: i am independent, past is not my fault, i will never have real childhood
JaS: i am not depending on my dad
JaS: i can see his shortcomings as they are
JaS: well...our dad is not evil

Falling Asleep

I love getting into a cool bed, and let the sheets engulf me. It's soothing. And falling slowly asleep. Where I can still distinguish between which thoughts are waking and which are dreams. I try to gravitate towards the dreams, and by doing so I get caught up in the process of concentrating. But it is not frustrating. It's whimsical.

The part about sleeping for twelve hours and waking up at two pm I'm not so hot about. ^^;

Selfanger

I'm depressed. I don't have individuality. I am doing nothing with my life. Sleep all day. Do nothing all night. What kind of a life is this? I have no motivation. No ambition. No purpose. Living day to day. Seeing friends makes me happy. But away from people, when I'm by myself, I am nothing. Killing time. Mass murdering it is more like it. Wasting away. I know I have great skills, tons of potential, a good personality. Just no drive. I don't know what I want to do. I don't feel like it. I don't want to help people. I don't want to hurt them either. Just take the path of least resistance. The easiest way through. Get up? It takes effort. Make food? It takes effort. Wash clothes? Why bother. Go to school? Who cares. Get a job? As if. How can I gather energy to do something if there is no point in me doing it. It doesn't matter what I do in life. If I don't do anything, not affect anyone, things will go as they do. If I do things world will be affected. For better or worse, I don't know. If I die, people will be sad. If I live and do nothing no one will care. That is the only difference.

I wish I could die knowing that my life wasn't meaningless. There! That is a motivator. Next steps are to figure out what I would want to have done by then. And then do that.

Sound sooo simple. Why does it seem so hard?

What would I like to do? Feed starving children in Africa? Help starving children in US? Lay down in front of bulldozers destroying the rainforests? It just doesn't seem right. What about the starving family of the bulldozer driver? What would be the best way to help the most people? Should people be helped? Or would that just unbalance things even more?

The possibilities open to me are innumerable. It is overwhelming.

O, sweet Pharinet, I could use some of your wisdom right about now.

vg: tell me a story

vg: ;;)
me: ok, a long time ago
me: actually last night
me: in a place far far away
me: i.v.
me: there were these two valiant knights
me: peter and me
me: looking for trouble
vg: lmao
me: they were cruising d.p. on their mighty steeds (or shoes, i don't recall)
vg: lol
me: going from door to door
me: lame wannabe radiohead punks
me: to hip hop and rap and even more punks
me: looking for their fair maidens and a tankard full
me: walking along d.p. they were
me: after many a house and random crowds
me: they were still with no drop in sight
me: resigned they started to head back
vg: sadness!
me: when a maiden with a few drops too many pulled the great p-tor aside
me: she asked if he was experienced with the ways of the barbed tongue
me: her companions cheered him on
me: she praised his kissing skills
me: and dumbfounded he went on
me: under the excuse of early work
me: they returned home, sober although.
me: fin

I need to grieve.

I never grieved before. I'm closed off from any painful emotions. I ended a relationship with someone I loved a while ago and I have not felt the pain I should feel. I didn't let myself. The blur of emotions and memories of the last three years flashes before my eyes. The person whose body I held close to mine, who was there to laugh with me, to make me do what I needed to do, I will never be with again. We knew each other so well, we didn't have to say anything to know what the other person meant. I don't miss her the way I missed her leaving for a weekend when we were together or when I was away, back when I was still in love. I don't think either of us had closure. I don't know how to achive that.

Conan the Barbarian is the governor of the state I live in now. It's some kind of a dream.
"...And Conan ruled the land with his incredible governating powers, smiting any who dared oppose his iron fist. And the sky was a dark green with grey stormclouds announcing that things are not all peachy. The wraith like trees clawing at the landscape. And barren earth as far as the eye lay..."

I'm surronded by people. Hollow people. Broken people. Blind people. And what am I?